Looking Back
by Auriga Rose
Summary: Shepard and Kaidan re-examine their relationship after Horizon. paragon/ruthless/spacer femShep/Kaidan *Spoilers ME & ME2*
1. Chapter 1

**Looking Back**

**Chapter One: Slow Realizations**

Disclaimer: Bioware owns all.

At first Shepard just thought Kaidan had a nice ass. He seemed like a capable lieutenant and his reserved manner was endearing, but that was hardly worth risking her career over. But then they started talking and he was a bit of a military brat too, and it was nice to have someone else around who knew what it was like to live their whole life in the Alliance. And he never judged her or questioned her decisions. He knew about Torfan and he didn't think she was a heartless butcher. She found his guardedness refreshing because she was guarded too and everyone else thought she just had a stick up her ass, but he understood. She admired his ability to keep a clear head in even the most emotionally charged situations. He proved himself to be an excellent soldier and she developed a lot of respect for his tactical opinions.

His physical attraction to her had taken Shepard by surprise. At first she thought it was just a bad case of too little shore leave. Whatever the male officers thought of her personal appearance usually disappeared the second the airlock closed and she started barking orders. But her effect on the lieutenant proved to be less fleeting. He didn't feel threatened that she was his superior officer, and the fact that she preferred guns to lipstick hadn't seemed to hinder his libido. He tried his best to hide his feelings and for the most part he was successful. To him it was just an unattainable and embarrassing crush that he longed would disappear. Kaidan had never let it get in the way of his work or used it as an excuse to explore a less formal relationship with the Commander, and for that she had been grateful.

But then one day she realized that their talks had become a little too frequent even if the subject matter was still just missions and crew morale, and Shepard had to face the fact that Alenko's tactical appraisals had become an excuse to stand by his workstation. The harder things got out in the field the easier it became to open up, and their conversations while still perfectly acceptable on the surface now carried a hidden layer of subtext that gave her a headache. They were both afraid of doing something that would leave them without an 'out' and so they inched the line of protocol back slowly. Once they realized how far things had actually progressed it had been too late. They had already defied the Council and the Alliance and it had been easy to convince themselves that a little fraternization was the least of their worries. The night before Ilos was something neither Shepard nor Kaidan had foreseen, but it had been exactly what they needed. They had both promised each other that they wouldn't allow the sexual encounter to complicate things. Neither of them could afford it. And after Saren's defeat they found themselves back in the good graces of the Alliance which meant any further breach of protocol would once again have consequences.

The crew had been grounded for a few days after the citadel attack, but the media attention had prevented any further liasions. Once the Normandy was back searching for geth their relationship had mostly returned to the way it was before Ilos. They continued their seemingly mundane yet sexually charged conversations, but for the most part they kept it professional. Shepard was the Commander first and neither of them ever forgot it. Occasionally, when they were both off duty, they would sneak a few moments alone making sure to duck out of Joker's vid range. But except for a few whispered promises about tracking shore leave they never even came close to repeating Ilos. And then Shepard had died along with any chance to relive that night.

Kaidan had been promoted shortly after the Normandy incident and like the rest of the crew he had been reassigned. He tried to throw himself into his career. He wanted to prove that the promotion had been deserved and wasn't just a cheap consolation move by the Alliance brass or an attempt to create a new hero for humanity now that Shepard was gone, but mostly he just didn't want a chance to dwell on his personal life. Eventually he had gone out with a doctor on the citadel in an attempt to get his friends off his back. He tried to be polite and have a good time, but his heart wasn't in it and he had felt bad for wasting her time. Kaidan tried to ignore the rumors that had sprung up about Shepard. He knew that if he let himself hope she was alive he would never be able to move on. Still he couldn't ignore the way his heart lurched in his chest at the thought of seeing her face again.

His new assignment to the human colony on Horizon hadn't exactly helped quash those feelings. If the Alliance was buying into the rumors he didn't stand a chance. And then the most remarkable thing had happened and Shepard was standing right in front of him as if the last two years had never happened. It took every ounce of his willpower to remember that they had, and that things were different now. Still he couldn't resist pulling her into his arms one last time before the reality of the situation set in.

It wasn't fair of her to show up like that. To waltz right back into his life just when he had finally given up hope and started to pick up the pieces. Kaidan knew it wasn't rational but he felt as if she'd abandoned him. As if she'd abandoned the whole crew. He saw that Garrus was standing behind Shepard and his stomach lurched. He couldn't believe she had sought out the turian first. And now she was working for Cerberus? It just didn't make any sense. Shepard hated Cerberus almost as much as he did. It was a xenophobic terrorist group that had done nothing but hurt humanity's cause. Had she really changed that much in two years? Had Cerberus done something to her? The way she talked, the way she looked, the way she carried herself was so undeniably Shepard. He couldn't reconcile it with the words that were coming out of her mouth. What had happened to his Shepard? What had happened to the Alliance commander born and bred? Where was the woman he used to know?

Kaidan could feel a migraine coming on and from the aural flashes he could tell it was going to be a big one. He needed time to process. He needed time to lie down. If only his head didn't hurt so much he would be able to think. Kaidan did the only thing he could. He said goodbye. And if there was a hint of regret in Shepard's eyes as she watched him go he didn't want to think about it.

Once Kaidan had had a chance to think about Horizon he had instantly hated himself. He still didn't understand why Shepard was working for Cerberus (and he wasn't sure he wanted to), but the Kaidan of two years ago would have at least heard her out. He realized that maybe the commander wasn't the only one who had changed. It used to be so easy to keep a clear head. Now he had let his emotions about Shepard's death cloud his judgment. He knew that some of the things he said on Horizon weren't fair. It wasn't her fault that she had died and it wasn't her fault that Cerberus had taken so long to bring her back. And calling her a traitor had definitely been out of line. Still nothing changed the fact that she was with Cerberus now, and there was nothing Shepard nor anyone else could say to make him trust the organization.

Maybe she hadn't changed as much as he thought. Maybe she was the same commander but Cerberus was using her as a pawn. The thought was stupid. Shepard was no one's pawn. She was too smart for that. Still Kaidan could feel his former anger bubble over into concern.

"_She's an impressive woman_, he reminded himself. "_She can handle it"_. Besides it's not like she was exactly alone. She had Garrus and if the rumors were true she had Joker as well. He hoped it would be enough. He hoped the former crewmates would help keep her safe from Cerberus and the Collectors. And just in case it wasn't enough he wrote her a letter.

"_Please be safe Shepard. I don't want to lose you again." _A part of him wondered if it was already too late.


	2. Chapter 2

**Looking Back**

**Chapter 2: Both Sides Now**

**Disclaimer: **Bioware owns all. For the Kaidan Alenko Appeciation Society.

"_Where's Kaidan Alenko?" _It was the first question Shepard had asked the Illusive Man. She didn't trust Cerberus and she didn't like working for them, but after what she'd seen at Freedom's Progress Shepard knew she wasn't ready to give up and fight geth with the Alliance. It was obvious they weren't the big threat. After finding out her former lieutenant was working on a classified Alliance mission she had flown straight to the Citadel and asked Anderson the same question. He hadn't been very helpful either and the framed photo on his desk implied that the Councilman knew more than he was willing to say. Had Kaidan become his new protégé? Was he really her new replacement? Shepard thought that Kaidan's promotion was long overdue, but she didn't like to think about what sort of assignment he had been placed on.

"_He can handle it." _She reminded herself. "_He doesn't need you to push him out of beacon fields or save him from explosions. He'll be fine." _And Shepard knew he would, but that hadn't stopped her heart from leaping into her throat when she received news about Horizon. Not only was the colony under attack, but Kaidan was there building defense towers for some unfathomable reason. Cerberus knew that the Collectors were after people close to Shepard and so the organization had used Alenko as bait. If anything happened to him this time it really would be her fault. Shepard would have a few choice words for the Illusive Man when she returned, but right now getting to the colonists was all that mattered.

Grotesque pods littered the colony and Shepard had to restrain herself from searching each one for his face. They didn't have time for that.

"_They just paralyze the colonists." _Shepard thought trying to calm herself. "_They don't hurt them. If we can just find him before the ship leaves…" _

She had never had this much trouble on a mission before. Even on Torfan when her judgment had been impeded she hadn't felt like this. It hadn't been so hard to pull herself together.

"_But you can't afford to make the mistakes you made there. For Kaidan's sake." _Shepard regained focus and taking out a few mechs helped alleviate some of her anxiety. But more frightening than the frozen faces of the colonists was the realization that Kaidan had probably moved on. It had been two years. He was probably seeing someone. Hell, he might even be married. The thought made Shepard ill. She tried to tell herself it was just the smell of mucus emanating from the Collector pods, but she knew better. Shepard explored each room as she snuck through the colony, and each time she looked for a sign of Kaidan. Wasn't that a bottle of his favorite wine on the table? Were those Alliance documents on that datapad? Each time she saw a bed with two pillows her stomach turned. Was this where he was living now? She tried not to imagine him sitting on the bed with a smiling civilian colonist perched on his lap. It just hurt too much.

"_Please don't be married," s_he pleaded, and then quickly added, "_or dead". _

And then when the last enemy was down the Collectors' ship had vanished and she was too late to stop it. Kaidan was probably on that ship, and she had let it get away.

But then she had heard his voice and he was standing in front of her and then she was in his arms again and it just felt so right. Even though her brain thought it had only been a few weeks since she last saw Kaidan her body seemed to know different. She could smell him, feel him, touch him and every cell in her body cried out that it had been too long. But then he pulled away and there was anger and pain in his eyes unlike anything she had ever seen. For the first time he judged her. Called her a traitor. Said she had turned her back on the Alliance. He wouldn't listen. Wouldn't let her explain. Wouldn't hear that his fears were well founded and that that was why she needed him --- to help her keep Cerberus in check, to help her keep herself in check. He had been her lieutenant, the man at her back. She needed him to be that person again. And it stung that he didn't trust her. That he didn't have any faith after everything they went through together.

But what hurt the most was that he had moved on. He had loved her. Past tense. It was like a bomb went off in her gut. It didn't help that it was the first time she had ever heard him use the words. And really what could she say?

"_I didn't know." _

Of course she had cared about Kaidan. Enjoyed his company. Felt strangely drawn to him, but it had never been like this. Now the thought of him leaving was almost enough to make her double over in pain. But she was Commander Shepard, the first human Spectre, the savior of the Citadel. So she told him goodbye and radioed Joker. Nothing could derail the mission.

"You run into the weirdest people out here, huh Commander? Still it was nice to see a familiar face. You okay"? Shepard knew she wasn't, but she lied anyway.

"He moved on. Can't blame him for that." She could tell Joker didn't buy it.

"Right, Commander. It was a mutual thing. You need anyone to talk to I hear Yeoman Chambers is good at that kind of stuff."

Later, Kaidan had sent a message and after much deliberation she decided to read it instead of pushing delete.

"_I spent the last two years picking up the pieces"._

She felt a pang of guilt in her stomach, but Shepard quickly pushed it away. It wasn't her fault she had died, and it certainly wasn't his. She wanted to snap him out of it, but she was two years too late.

"_I started seeing a doctor in the Citadel. Nothing serious just letting myself have a life again you know?" _He almost sounded defensive. Like he had been doing something wrong. Still the words stung. Maybe he really had moved on. She thought about their encounter on Horizon. He didn't look like someone who had moved on.

"_Nothing serious." _She was fairly certain that was Kaidan speak for 'I never touched her'. She hoped it was Kaidan speak for 'I never touched her'. Shepard mentally kicked herself. As mad as she was at Kaidan he had a point. She had no business popping back up in his life again. Not when he was so close to getting over everything. Besides, she deserved better. On Horizon he had sounded just like the Council and he knew her better than that.

"_Maybe after all this is over…I don't know…take care of yourself Shepard." _She deleted the message. She couldn't keep both of their lives in stasis over a 'maybe…I don't know'. It just wasn't fair. But Shepard didn't want fair. She wanted Kaidan. Maybe she would go have that talk with Chambers now.


End file.
